Clean water for goldie Gilbert.
Few weeks ago, at last, I finally got internet at home. One of the first programs I installed was Skype. It's really nice and strange. And one of the first things I saw on Skype was Gilbert. Gilbert is my wee Scottish boy's golden fish. He had put clean water in the fishtank and showed it to me through the webcam.
Gilbert is a happy guy. He doesn't really care if the water is clean or not. He doesn't even care if he has no food for days. He seems to resist everything. He's always happy. I'd like to be always happy, just as Gilbert.
I'm a bit soft lately, and I feel like crying many times. I can't explain why. I almost cried some days ago watching a f** Coca-cola advert on tv. Well, that's not true. I actually did. And I've cried watching some films, and listening to some songs. I feel very sensitive. I can be extremely happy and suddenly feel deeply sad, inexplicably.
I should phone my ex-boyfriend someday, to know if he's ok, and to apologize for the way I left. I've been saying that to myself for months, and I never find the right moment to do it. I guess I'll never find it. The truth is I'm afraid of what he could tell me. He might know by now that I'm going out with someone else. I think I'm afraid he could ask me something about it. I couldn't lie to him. And I can't be bothered explaing anything.
But I don't know why I feel sad sometimes. It's not only because of that, of course. I guess it's something natural and inherent in me. Yes, I think there's a mental illness called manic-depressive, that fits very much with my feelings sometimes. My ex-boyfriend sometimes told me I should visit a psychologist, but I think it's not that bad. I also have my little ways, my little peculiarities...
(my blue eyes says he likes them)
...I've learnt to live with them, because they're harmless. But I guess all that turns me into a bit weird person. Or not. I think everybody's weird somehow. Normality doesn't exist.
But man, I only want to feel happy. Like Gilbert with his clean water.
babe, do you know what's happening? it's healing, it's painful i'm afraid but necessary
I've been through some stuff over the past few months myself.
There have been times when I want and miss my ex, however the situation won't change, i know from previous experience he hasn't changed at all, i'll be back feeling miserable, knowing something in my heart. It's a knowing about love, when you meet someone, you have a connection or gut feeling, it should be listened too. Even if the road ahead is rocky and full of obstacles.
Being you, living your life is all that you can do, if you really feel that you should say something, say it. I have recently. I understand my person's reasons. The impatient bit of me wants whatever is coming now good or bad, get it over with, i've wasted so much time in my life and all i want is to give love and recieve love. However maybe it's not time yet, maybe there are lessons for me to learn before that time is right.
So when you cry what your doing is releasing emotion, letting go of the past, when that comes up I wonder what is exactly i'm upset about. Is it loneliness? wanting a hug? things people have said/done? (by the way the term hug isn't a term for something else i might add, it's literally what i say - the defination of feeling close to someone) then these feelings pass and i feel better for the release and able to get on with my day.
The core thing is still there, I want to love someone and be loved and I hope my person can do that for me in their own way. I have no expectations from that person.
Love you and thinking of you xxxx