Uncertainty.

Mankind is strange. If we haven’t got problems, we just make them up. I acted so childish yesterday that I can hardly believe what I am doing.

English classes are finished already. On Tuesday I had the last one. Now it all is already finished. My teacher is not my teacher any more. We talked again at the end of the class. Maybe my mind plays dirty tricks on me. I thought he really wanted to see me again. He asked me if I am single, and I told him I’m living with my boyfriend but things aren’t going right. He said he would call me someday to go out for a drink or something (with my last year’s teacher too). Well, and I went home.

Yesterday was a strange day. I did the last part of the First Certificate Exam, so it’s all over at last. Just have to wait for results. But at the evening, it all exploded again. My boyfriend had been sad and cold all day long. He didn’t kiss me, and he refused me when I tried to kiss him. I was really tired. I couldn’t stand no more, and I told him all the things he had done yesterday that I didn’t like. I told him again that I wanted to leave. We were arguing for hours. He said that he doesn’t want to lose me, and that he wants to try. He cried as a child and begged me not to leave him. He promised he would change his attitude and asked me to try to change mine for one week. He said he would show me in one week that things can go better, that we can go on if we love each other. I told him that I don’t believe it.

I went out for a walk. I needed to think. I needed to see my teacher… So I walked for half an hour, until the time he goes home. I waited for him outside the academy, and we talked for one hour. We had never talked for so long. I don’t know why, but I explained him a lot of things about my boyfriend and what had happened yesterday. We walked towards his home, and when we arrived he asked me if I wanted to go upstairs to have a drink. I told him I should go, and so I did. He gave me his mobile phone number, and told me that I can call him if I want to. I guess he finds me pathetic.

I went home alone (it is very close to his flat really). If I had went out to get things clear, they were even more uncertain. What does he want from me? What does he think of me? Surely he thought I was so childish. In fact, I feel so childish. I don’t know why I waited for him, why I needed so much to see him. It’s all so silly, because we don’t know each other at all!

How is this week going to be? I don’t know. I’m not sure to be able to behave with my boyfriend as he wants me to. I can’t think only of him, because it is my teacher who occupies my thoughts. But I can’t tell my boyfriend. If he knew how many things I’ve been hiding, including this blog and all I have told my teacher… I don’t want to imagine it. He hates I talk about him to anyone. Not even to my family or to my friends. He says that if I want to talk, it is him whom I should tell my doubts to.

The main question isn’t if I could have another relationship. The question is if I could live alone, because even if my blue eyes wanted something with me, it is impossible to know if it would work. Relationships are very strange things, and love is something I am not sure that really exists.

Will my blue eyes call me? Somehow I would prefer he didn’t. How could I explain it to my boyfriend? He would be so jealous! He wouldn’t believe me at all if I told him that he’s only a friend.

Will I call my blue eyes? I’m such a fool that I know I will do it one day or another. But I shouldn’t do it, should I?